Saturday, January 29, 2011

How to Get Your Child to Drink V8

Recently, Paige, who is 7 going on 13, made this awesome bio poster to hang on the wall. I guess she wants us to know all about her.

I am her mother.

I know ALL about her already, thank you very much.

But she likes to make things. Lots of things: Paper chains, paper tables and chairs, paper computers on paper computer desks, "Best Manners" award sheets with corresponding "Best Manners" ribbons for first, second, and third place winners, pop-up cards, etc.

You get the idea. She's a paper crafting extraordinaire!

For some reason a few things on this bio poster jumped out at me:

1. Paige has included her two new friends she has made here. Notice, there are two girls. They are sisters, one brunette, one blond. At our last house, Paige's best friends were also two girls, twins.

It seems Paige is too much for one other little girl. She needs TWO to handle all of her.

(Sometimes I need two of me to handle all of her, also.)

2. Paige is constantly attempting cursive writing. I haven't started teaching her that yet, after all, she is technically a first grader. For that reason, her handwriting is wrong, wrong, WRONG! I keep telling her to knock it off, quit trying, before she teaches herself the wrong way therefore making my job of teaching her the right way all that more difficult.

That's why there's a drawing of a book with the word "beeks" beneath it. As far as I know she does not have strong feelings either way for beaks, or "beeks".

3. Paige has very specific dislikes. I love these:

1. Sharks. (I agree. Sharks are #1 on my list, too.)

2. Vegetable juice. (Although not on my list of top five dislikes, I HATE that stuff.)

3. Snakes

4. Bees. (Lest she forget about the honey she so enjoys on her peanut butter sandwiches....)

5. Pirates. (FINALLY! A child with a proper attitude about murdering/thieving/raping villains instead of the usual kid attitude of "Yeah! Pirates!")

So, as a summary, Paige would rather face snakes, bees, or pirates before having to confront vegetable juice.

Can't say that I blame her.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Skin Cell Apoptosis

When a woman reaches a certain age, gravity begins her slow invasion of our collagen cells. We lose tightness, smoothness, nubile coloring.

But, don't be dismayed! There are companies after companies making products after products that return our faces to our previous wellsprings of youthful beauty!

Here is my collection of face saving products.

I impulse buy. Can you tell?

Here are the triplets with their evil older sister Retinol. My skin is clearer, drier, and eczemic.

Is eczemic a word? It should be when my eyelid swell up with scaly, itchy dry patches after using this stuff.

Here's my defense against that evil mistress, The Sun. I've heard she's bad for us, especially for our skin. I'm not sure. I do get grumpy when I don't get enough of her.

Here is my wallet buster. This puppy cost more than my newest pair of shoes, and I didn't even get it at a department store! I put this mess on at night after destroying ten layers of make-up and goop with the triplets (see above).

As my good friend said, "You know you're getting old when you mix your anti-wrinkle cream with your anti-acne cream."

Yes. Yes, you are.

But of all of the products I've collected, this one is the my fallback favorite. You can remove makeup in a snap, make your lips feel like butter, and smooth away all of the dry eczemic patches. All for about $1.50.

As you know, I am many things, not least of all CHEAP.

I'm not sure though if any of these products really are doing anything to help my anti-gravity cause.

What do you think?