Saturday, June 4, 2011

Diving for Dentures

I am a dufus.


When I was a freshman in high school, I joined the local swim club's diving team one summer. I flopped, slapped, and embarrassed myself for an entire season but somehow managed to have a bunch of fun despite being terrified of the actual diving.

But whatever.

The pool on base here were we live has a one meter diving board. And since I am an experienced dive team member with oodles of crappy diving practice 20 years ago, I regularly dive off of the diving board along with the other adults making fools of themselves. (During adult swim.)

I can do a back flip, an inward tuck dive, a back dive, and a "pencil". (Pencil= When you jump in straight like a pencil. It's very technical.) Sometimes I even manage to pull off the ever-impressive belly flop!

I can also chip my teeth!

Have you ever heard of someone chipping both top and bottom front teeth while doing a back flip off a diving board?

No, I didn't hit my head on anything. I just landed in the water feet first.

What the heck?

I have a tendency to jut out my lower jaw ever so slightly when I concentrate. (I grew up to the constant reminders of my mother, "Paula, put your chin in!") When I do a dive I concentrate and thus my lower jaw slightly protrudes.

When I landed in the water, for whatever stupid reason, my lower jaw popped back into it's normal position but in the process scraped, banged, and pummeled my top teeth on their way.

As soon as it happened, even before I was headed up to the surface of the water, I felt my teeth with my tongue and it felt like I lost a biting contest against a piece of sandpaper.

I didn't chip a big section off so I'm not mutilated, but it's enough for me to notice. And it's scratchy and my teeth hurt.

It's off to the dentist on the 1st! (After my dental insurance kicks in.)

Who ever heard of a dufus needing a mouthpiece to dive off of diving board?

I tell you, I am the diving QUEEN!!!