How to Get Your Child to Drink V8

Recently, Paige, who is 7 going on 13, made this awesome bio poster to hang on the wall. I guess she wants us to know all about her.

I am her mother.

I know ALL about her already, thank you very much.

But she likes to make things. Lots of things: Paper chains, paper tables and chairs, paper computers on paper computer desks, "Best Manners" award sheets with corresponding "Best Manners" ribbons for first, second, and third place winners, pop-up cards, etc.

You get the idea. She's a paper crafting extraordinaire!

For some reason a few things on this bio poster jumped out at me:

1. Paige has included her two new friends she has made here. Notice, there are two girls. They are sisters, one brunette, one blond. At our last house, Paige's best friends were also two girls, twins.

It seems Paige is too much for one other little girl. She needs TWO to handle all of her.

(Sometimes I need two of me to handle all of her, also.)

2. Paige is constantly attempting cursive writing. I haven't started teaching her that yet, after all, she is technically a first grader. For that reason, her handwriting is wrong, wrong, WRONG! I keep telling her to knock it off, quit trying, before she teaches herself the wrong way therefore making my job of teaching her the right way all that more difficult.

That's why there's a drawing of a book with the word "beeks" beneath it. As far as I know she does not have strong feelings either way for beaks, or "beeks".

3. Paige has very specific dislikes. I love these:

1. Sharks. (I agree. Sharks are #1 on my list, too.)

2. Vegetable juice. (Although not on my list of top five dislikes, I HATE that stuff.)

3. Snakes

4. Bees. (Lest she forget about the honey she so enjoys on her peanut butter sandwiches....)

5. Pirates. (FINALLY! A child with a proper attitude about murdering/thieving/raping villains instead of the usual kid attitude of "Yeah! Pirates!")

So, as a summary, Paige would rather face snakes, bees, or pirates before having to confront vegetable juice.

Can't say that I blame her.

Skin Cell Apoptosis

When a woman reaches a certain age, gravity begins her slow invasion of our collagen cells. We lose tightness, smoothness, nubile coloring.

But, don't be dismayed! There are companies after companies making products after products that return our faces to our previous wellsprings of youthful beauty!

Here is my collection of face saving products.

I impulse buy. Can you tell?


Here are the triplets with their evil older sister Retinol. My skin is clearer, drier, and eczemic.

Is eczemic a word? It should be when my eyelid swell up with scaly, itchy dry patches after using this stuff.


Here's my defense against that evil mistress, The Sun. I've heard she's bad for us, especially for our skin. I'm not sure. I do get grumpy when I don't get enough of her.


Here is my wallet buster. This puppy cost more than my newest pair of shoes, and I didn't even get it at a department store! I put this mess on at night after destroying ten layers of make-up and goop with the triplets (see above).

As my good friend said, "You know you're getting old when you mix your anti-wrinkle cream with your anti-acne cream."

Yes. Yes, you are.


But of all of the products I've collected, this one is the my fallback favorite. You can remove makeup in a snap, make your lips feel like butter, and smooth away all of the dry eczemic patches. All for about $1.50.

As you know, I am many things, not least of all CHEAP.

I'm not sure though if any of these products really are doing anything to help my anti-gravity cause.

What do you think?

Until We Meet Again

Hey, everybody.

I'm gonna have to take a break from The Desert Chronicles for awhile. What with this that and the other, I'm finding myself pulled in too many directions and I'm afraid both my family and I are worse for the wear. Ware? You know what I'm trying to say.

Thanks for everyone who comes to visit the kids and me here.

Have a very stress-free, very Merry, very Jesus Christmas!

Love always,

Paula

Oyster

Remember how good that Pancetta Breakfast Pasta from yesterday looked?

Remember how savory, delectable, and succulent it was?

This is NOT any of those things.


These are fried oysters. Many people love fried oysters, raw oysters, steamed oysters.

I don't.

I think they look like giant boogers, feel like your eating huge goobers, and taste like salt-creature upchuck.


How they ever got the reputation for being aphrodisiacs is beyond me.

"Come on, baby, have a giant slimy booger and let's get busy!"

No. No, thank you.

I'll pass. (Out).

I am NOT a Chef

I am not a chef. I am not a food blogger. I am not a good photographer and I have a cheap camera. But there are some dishes that are so good that you have to push through those deterrents to share the goodness with the world.

This is one of those times.

Introducing:

Pancetta Breakfast Spaghetti

I'll let you think about that for a minute before beginning.

Ruminate on it.

Are you beginning to salivate yet?

Here are the ingredients. A box of pasta, I like spaghetti noodles, 4 oz. or so of sliced and diced pancetta (Italian bacon), butter, fresh Parmesan cheese, 1-2 eggs per person, and sixteen pounds of salt.


1. Step one, put some water on to boil. Wait for the smoke to clear from the burning piece of chicken hiding in the electric burner plate.

What? Your burners don't smoke? Oh.


2. Pour in a ridiculous amount of salt. DO NOT USE IODIZED TABLE SALT!!!! It will ruin this dish. Seriously.

(Mom, I'm talking to you!!!)

You need to add enough salt to the cooking water that it tastes like the ocean.

Table salt sucks, by the way. Let's just get that out there. In our well-fed society where salt is added to almost every type of mass-produced food, there is enough iodine in your food that you could not get iodine deficiency unless you really, really tried.

Kosher salt is the best, I think. Get you a big box at the store for like $2, put some in one of those salt shakers pizza restaurants use for Parmesan cheese, and sprinkle it on food as you normally would.

Kosher and sea salts have no metallic taste like table salt, is better for you because you use less, and has an almost sweet/salty flavor.

MOM; YOU WILL BUY KOSHER SALT.

Moving on....


3. Dice the pancetta into small bits and fry in a non-stick skillet so you don't have to add more fats.

(Pancetta is an Italian cured pork product that is incredibly salty and delicious. If you can't find it in your regular grocery store deli counter, you could substitute country ham or even bacon in this recipe.

No. Don't. Go to a different store and buy pancetta. Really.)


4. While the pancetta is browning, poach or fry 1-2 eggs per person, making sure the yolks stay over-medium. If you bust the yolks or cook them through, throw them away and start again.

Poaching the eggs is time consuming and difficult but is the best in this recipe.

I am lazy therefore I fry.


5. When the pasta is done, not too soft but with a bit of a bite to it, mix in a couple tablespoons of butter and the browned pancetta. Add as much or as little butter as you like. More=better.

You can also stir in some herbs like "Italian Seasoning" into the pasta. It's good and so pretty.


6. For each serving, put some of the pasta/pancetta mixture into a huge bowl. No, really. Use GIANT, ENORMOUS, gigantic bowls.

Add 1-2 of the cooked yet runny yolk eggs on top of the bed of pasta.

I would like to sleep in a bed of pasta. All warm and cozy and edible.

I digress...

7. Lastly, add a few tablespoons of freshly grated Parmesan cheese over top of the eggs and pasta. I guess the pre-packaged stuff would be OK, except maybe the pancetta might come alive and beat you up for making a mockery if this dish.

(Just buy a small block of real, fresh, and delicious Parmesan cheese. It lasts absolutely forever in your fridge and tastes like nothing you've had out of a shake can. Trust me.)


8. Absolutely last, cut through the egg to release the runny yoke all over the pacetta pasta. Moan and groan in olfactory pleasure, and then take a bite.

Yes. Yes. Oh, my, YES!

You're welcome.

And I forgive you for judging my ugly eggs and rotten photography.

Ultimate Fighting Children

What do your kids do when it's raining outside and everyone is cooped up with too much energy?

Do they play hide-and-seek? Watch movies, do exercise videos, or get in trouble and go to their rooms for an hour?

Yes, ours do all of that, too.

But on that special and rare occasion, the kids will set up a(nother) show for us where we get to watch them wrestle, UFC style!

(Mom, UFC is Ultimate Fighting Championship. You know, the boxing/wrestling/martial arts fighting on TV where the men beat the heck out of each other, slinging blood and fluids all over the mat while trying to kill each other in a cage. Very cosmopolitan.)


Watch out Josh! Paige has thighs like me and will CRUSH YOU INTO SMITHEREENS!


THAT'S IT JOSH! WRAP UP, BOY!

TAKE HER DOWN!!



Nice move! SCORE!!

(Paige and Josh made their own score cards that they marked any time they thought they earned a point. Children should never judge themselves. Ever.)


Uh, oh. Paige has recovered from her takedown, Belly is trying her hardest to melt into the carpet, and Jerry is officially bored.


But the game has just begun..........

Canyon Lake

Just north of our apartment is Canyon Lake, a beautiful lake in the heart of the Texas Hill Country. All along the lake are houses, marinas, parks, and recreational activities.

Randolph Air Force Base has a private recreation area on the lake. We are "Authorized Military Personnel". We are allowed to use this facility but not everyone is.

We may not be able to make it home for the holidays but we have private parks to enjoy and get away from the crowds and high costs, all paid for with your Federal Tax dollars.

Thanks!


The lake is very beautiful and windy! There were sailboats dotting the calm waters, and as Jerry says, "All those regatta-polo-shirt-wearing-yuppies". Except he didn't say yuppie.


There are picnic spots, walking trails, and a marina for military use only, including daily boat rentals.

There is an awesome playground at the recreation area, too, and it has this cool swing, pendulum thing. Jerry and I rode it together. He really enjoyed making me fly up into the air and almost crashing on the ground.

No, that's not what he enjoyed.

Have you ever paid attention to your breasts while bouncing vigorously up and down?

Your husband has.

Sorry. Too much?



Also at the park was this stand up swing that the kids liked to sit down on. The phrase "monkey on a football" comes to mind.


The park also had some interactives.

And Uranus, in case you're looking for it.

"Hey, Paula! Look! I found Uranus!"

"Thanks, douche. I didn't know I'd lost it!"

(Do Uranus jokes ever get old?)


There was a little sand beach there too, and the kids had tons of fun wading in the chilly water, throwing rocks, and looking for freshwater clam shells.


I remembered to bring towels for the kids in case they got wet while near the lake.

But I forgot to bring extra clothes. Phoebe had to ride home in her birthday suit.


Hey, babe! How's this weather for the end of November?


Dora? What are you doing here?

Phoebe freaked OUT when she saw this life-sized Dora cutout. Then she went and kissed each character directly on the mouth.

And my camera battery went dead.

Probably better that I didn't get on film her shenanigans with Benny.

Boom-chicka-bow wow!